A Series of Stupid Events
by mandy14
Summary: It's a parody about the Baudelaires. I hope you like it I think I did a good job. P.S. sorry if some of it doesn't make sense. Also this story isn't being prejudice against gay people.
1. Chapter 1: The Bauderares

The Bummer Beginning

To Bea- I love chocolate and you did too, but you said that wasn't a good reason to get married.

Chapter One

If you like fairies and cute bunnies, then why the hell are you reading this? Burn this book and throw it out. But I still get the money, because you paid for the book! So ha, ha, ha! Please keep buying my books! I don't want to live in a shack again!

Anyways, three charming intelligent kids were at a beach. Also it was cloudy so no one in his or her right minds would go there. However, these kids did because no one else was there.

Vanessa Bauderare was the eldest. She was the greatest 14-year-old inventor, known to retards. She always tied her up with a bloody old rag. The rag helped keep the hair out of her eyes so she could see.

Klaud Bauderare was 12 and the middle child. He was this ouber genius; who memorized everything he read or wrote. He always wore his glasses and liked them extra nerdy! He hated glasses that made him look good.

Sammy Bauderare was the youngest; she was just an infant. She had a knack for biting things with, her four sabre tooth teeth. I mean they were freaky. She could bite objects into odd shapes; she liked to make sculptures.

Now like I said before, you really shouldn't read this book. But I'm just using reverse psychology, so then you will want to read it. Oh, I shouldn't have told you that. Anyways, some bad stuff was going to happen.

Oh yah, just so you know Sammy has her own language.

"Yable gooble!" Sammy cried.

Which meant something like, "Look at the overweight figure coming toward us. I hope the thing doesn't eat us!"

"Klaud pick up some rocks, lets try throwing it at the monster." Vanessa grabbed a handful of rocks.

"We can make it into a game. Ten points if you can hit his leg, twenty if you hit his stomach and thirty if you hit his head." Klaus said whipping a rock at his leg.

Vanessa got his stomach and Sammy got his other leg.

"Stop it! Bauderare's it's me, Mr. Pan! Ow, who hit my head?" Mr. Pan came in to view; he had scratches all over him.

Mr. Pan was very fat and worked at a boring bank. He was an associate of the Bauderares' parents. He was only their friend, so the Bauderares' parents could get free insurance.

"Wicked day isn't it." Mr. Pan said looking to the sky.

"Well it does look like it could rain." Vanessa replied.

"Yes, it does look that way. Oh by the way your parents died in a fire. Your mansion and parents are gone." Mr. Pan said casually.

"What the hell? You mean I'm an orphan! That sucks." Klaud said and slapped Mr. Pan.

"But I don't want to live in a relative's house. It won't be as big as our mansion. It won't be as clean and no room service twenty-four/seven!" Vanessa also slapped Mr. Pan.

"Rewbo!" Sammy said and slapped Mr. Pan.

She meant something along the lines, " How dare you say our parents are dead, so casually!"

"You brats need to learn some manners. I mean you're so rich, couldn't you have at least bought some manners?" Mr. Pan said rubbing his sore face.

"Shut up Pan! Now when will I be of age to get the cash?" Vanessa demanded.

"When you're eighteen you little-"

"Hey don't think of calling my sister a bad name! Sure everyone has wanted to at some point, even I have. But still you don't mess with the person who's getting the money." Klaud interrupted.

"Uatek." Sammy said rolling her eyes.

She probably meant, "I've been calling her names for a year, she just didn't understand what I said."

"Well come on children you three are spending the week with me. I'll be looking for family to take you in." Mr. Pan sighed.

The Bauderares got into the back of Mr. Pan's car. It was quite crowded, so every time he turned a corner they'd fall on one another.

The Bauderares just knew it was going to get worse.

By: Izzi13


	2. Chapter 2: The Life of Three Orphans

Chapter two: The Life of Three Orphans

Mr. Pan made on last sharp turn and pulled into a driveway.

"We're here Bauderares." Mr. Pan said and opened the door of their car door.

"Ow! My butt hurts from being squashed by you two." Vanessa complained.

"Well my arms and legs are stiff." Klaud said stretching them outside.

"Ablahy!" Sammy said rubbing her head.

She meant something like, "The both of you hit my head and I was unconscious."

"Now have a positive attitude Bauderares." Mr. Pan said unlocking the door to the house.

His house was brown and white, with paint peeling. Ugly gnomes surrounded the lawn. There was the odd tulip, but everything else was ugly.

"Welcome to my home." Mr. Pan said and opened the door.

The Bauderares looked inside but couldn't see a thing. There seemed to be no lights on, or candles lit.

"What kind of shack is this? Do you make any money at your job?" Klaud said stepping inside, with the rest of them.

"Watch your attitude you little brat! Or I'll send you back to the cold beach. Then you can live there and die!" Mr. Pan snarled.

"Hey, it's not my fault you live in a broken down crap shack!" Klaud argued back.

"Besides, why is it so dark in here? Don't you have enough money to pay for electricity?" Vanessa said feeling around, so she wouldn't trip on anything.

"No, I make enough money for many things! Now watch your mouth you little-"

"Hey, what did I say Pan?" Klaud said holding Mr. Pan back.

"Fine I'll hold my tongue, but one day someone will call her that name! Anyways, if you children must know, I turned off all the lights when I left to come get you." Mr. Pan said and turned on the lights.

After everything was properly lit, the children thought the house looked better in the dark. The living room was messy with comic books, stains on the couch, crumbs and empty food packages. They walked into the kitchen and it was just as dirty. There was dishes everywhere and old food on the table. The countertops were covered with filth and handprints on the cupboards. The Bauderares were afraid to check upstairs, it could be worse then downstairs.

"Now, my wife hasn't got to cleaning the house yet. I decided to give her the day off. Our two boys are very messy, but we love them. I hope you three don't mind sharing a bed with Ernie and Alfred. It'll only be just for the week, or till I find a home for you." Mr. Pan said throwing out some garbage and looked like he was ready to throw up.

"Why did you make your maid your wife? Our father found a woman to marry and got many maids. But he didn't marry any of them." Vanessa said looking at the dirty dishes.

"My wife is not a maid, she is just the one that does the cleaning. I'm not home to help her, because I work at Mulberry Money Management." Mr. Pan said puffing out his chest.

"I am not sharing a bed with two animals, you call your children. They probably have bugs living in the bed already. I'm sure the bugs would rather be eaten, than live with your offspring." Klaud said defiantly.

"You better keep your mouth shut, or I will send you back to that god-for-saken beach!" Mr. Pan said going red in the face.

"Gertuj." Sammy said back. She meant something along the lines, "Well, at least it'd be cleaner there than it is here."

"I hope that means your siblings are sorry." Mr. Pan said red as a tomato.

"Sure." Sammy said sighing.

"Now I'd like for you children to go up to Ernie and Alfred's room. Oh, in the trunk of my car are the things the fire department salvaged. It's not much but I thought you'd want it." Mr. Pan said turning away.

The three orphans walked back outside and opened the trunk. Inside were three suitcases. Each was labelled with their names on the suitcases.

"We should look at them outside, or the two brats upstairs might destroy them." Klaud said taking out his suitcase.

"I hope there's money inside them." Vanessa said greedily.

"JIopfh." Sammy said rolling her eyes. She probably meant, "I hope there's a knife in my suitcase, so I can kill you."

In Klaud's suitcase were three pairs of his least favourite clothes and his sexy looking glasses. He had a penny and two plastic soldiers with a rubber duck.

Vanessa's suitcase contained two scarves, one sun hat (which she hated), a toothbrush, a locket and one yoyo. The locket contained a picture of her two parents, but the pictures had burned. The outline of them was the only thing left.

Sammy had gotten a rattle, a teddy bear (which she never used), and one pair of pink footy pyjamas. Each Bauderare hated pink, only because they had to spend a whole day with their fat aunt Betsy. Her whole house was all pink; it was so pink they wanted to throw up. But the toilet was also pink.

"Well these things would have been better burned as well." Klaud said and emptied his suitcase.

"The only thing we need is the suitcase, the rest is everything we don't want." Vanessa said and did the same as Klaud.

"Kloper." Sammy sighed and threw out the contents of her suitcase. She meant, "I think I'd rather sleep in my suitcase than in Mr. Pan's house."

"I agree with Sammy, maybe we'd be better outside. That house is worse than cod liver with barf on top." Vanessa said shuddering.

"Well, Mr. Pan did mention that we could go back to that beach. I've always liked sand and we could catch some fish with our supplies." Klaud suggested.

"Albudo." Sammy replied. She was saying that, "We shouldn't tell Mr. Pan he's already as red as the blood in our veins. He might just pop one of his veins."

So the Bauderares tried to escape, but Mr. Pan caught them leaving. He sent them up to the room they would be sharing with his children. They weren't aloud to come down till dinner. Also they were told not to wake Mrs. Pan, or speak to her until five o'clock.

The Bauderares waited for Mr. Pan to go back downstairs, so they could contemplate.

"I would rather eat my own blood than go in there." Klaud said looking at the door, which had many cracks and holes.

"I would rather eat sheep covered in vinegar. What would you rather do Sammy?" Vanessa asked.

"Bopcxe." Sammy answered. Her was answer was, "I'd rather jump around in the inside of a camel's stomach."

"Well what do we do now, to pass the time?" Klaud said looking around.

"I'm to bored to think." Vanessa replied.

"Watyqop." Sammy said. She meant, "That's not the reason why you can't think, you just don't have a brain."

The door opened and two grubby looking boys were standing in the doorway.

"Who the hell are you?" Ernie said glaring.

"We are the Bauderares and please don't touch me. I'm allergic to retards." Vanessa said stepping back.

"Speak for yourself." Ernie said looking her up and down.

"Uh, I am speaking for my self, I'm moving my own lips." Vanessa said back.

"Are you the second offspring, Alfred?" Klaud asked looking at the stains on the second boy's shirt.

"I prefer Al, but what are you doing here nerd eyes?" Al growled.

"Our parents just died and Mr. Pan said were living here, until he finds us someplace else." Vanessa said staring mesmerized by Al.

"What are you staring at purple loser?" Al said and Ernie and him laughed.

"Nothing." Vanessa said breathlessly.

"Oh great." Sammy said rolling her eyes. 'Now she's inlove! I thought she was just stupid, but now she has bad taste in boys.' Sammy thought to herself.

"Your father said we have to share a room with you two." Klaud said.

"Well the floor is right there. " Ernie said pointing to the dirty carpet in their room.

The two rude boys raced down the stairs, trying to go faster than the other.

The Bauderares walked inside the room and sat down on the floor.

"Do I really wear that much purple?" Vanessa said looking at her clothes.

Sammy and Klaud just sighed. If this was what an orphan's life was like, then they all didn't like it.

'Oh why did they have to get themselves killed?' they each thought about their parents.

'Oh god why.'

Please review .


	3. Chapter 3: Getting out of There

Chapter three: Getting Out of There

It had only been an hour living in the Pan house and The Bauderares wanted to leave. It was five o'clock and they were allowed to go downstairs. When they got to the kitchen, Mrs Pan was setting the table and had dinner cooking. Mrs. Pan was nothing to look at really. She was fat like her husband and had thick eyebrows. She had a wide dog nose, thin lips and wore a hideous dress. The colour of the dress was red and green. She had pale skin and looked quite tired. Even though she had slept through most of the day. Her two devils known as Al and Ernie; must run her ragged everyday.

"Hello Bauderares. I'm Annette Pan, I'm Mr. Pan's wife," she said in a hoarse voice. Annette must have to yell at her children everyday.

"Hi, I'm Vanessa and this is Klaud and Sammy. Do you by any chance happen to know why you wanted to marry Mr. Pan? Or were you a grub before you even met him." Vanessa said taking a seat at the table. Klaud picked up Sammy and sat her down on the table. Klaud then took a seat next to Vanessa.

"Excuse me?" Annette was clearly appalled by Vanessa's words.

"Lady are you deaf? My sister asked if you were a grub, before or after you met Mr. Pan?" Klaud repeated for Annette.

"I am not a grub. The house is a little messy, but not horrendous. And my husband Andy is not a grub. He just tends to be messy." Annette said defensively.

"Goyjitre." Sammy said disgusted. In English she would have said, "Annette you are clearly in denial and need serious help. As for being a grub, you probably were one before you even met Mr. Pan. Also if this is how your house looks when it's a little messy, I'd hate to see what it's like when it's a pigsty."

"What did your sister say?" Annette said cocking an eyebrow at Sammy.

"Um, she said that she thinks your fat and smell like dead rats." Vanessa lied. Klaud and her knew what Sammy really said. But they didn't want to get Mrs. Pan even angrier. However, with the comment Vanessa just said she got angrier.

Sammy and Klaud slapped their heads and sighed. Their sister could have made up a better lie, but Vanessa was really stupid.

"You three have quite a mouth on yourselves." Annette said and put dry boiled chicken on plates. She then served very thick mashed potatoes and hard green beans. Annette was not a very good cook.

"Ernie, Al, Andy! Supper is ready!" Annette called out to the living room.

The two boys came racing in and sat down. Vanessa grabbed Sammy and put her on her lap. Mr. Pan came tromping into the room and took a seat next to Ernie.

"Andy dear, could you get the booster seat for Sammy." Annette asked.

"Do I have to do everything for theses kids? I mean they aren't my children." Mr. Pan complained like a little boy.

"But, I thought you in charge of what happened to them?" Annette said sitting down.

"That doesn't mean I have to care for them." Mr. Pan whined.

"Yes it does you jack-," Klaud started.

"Watch your language young man! There will be no cursing in this house. Dam it, I dropped my fork!" Annette said, doing what she told Klaud not to do.

"Fine I'll get Sammy her stupid booster seat." Mr. Pan sighed and slowly got up.

Dinner was quite boring and unappetizing. Even though Sammy could reach her food she chose not to eat it. The Bauderares were sent to bed at six o'clock with Ernie and Al. Ernie and Al put up a fight, swearing uncontrollably. After twenty minutes the two brats joined the orphans. In twenty minutes, Vanessa had devised a barrier for her siblings and her. So then Ernie and Al couldn't get into the bed.

"What did you mentally challenged orphans do to our bed?" Al said after him and his brother got zapped.

"You two will only get shocked if you try to get into this bed. And don't even think of trying to remove the barrier." Vanessa warned.

So the two brats, I mean rotten children got what they deserved. They were forced to sleep on their stained floor. Which was very cold, but so were their hearts.

The next day the Bauderares got up early and sneaked down stairs. However, Mr. Pan was already downstairs.

He looked up from his newspaper and smiled.

"I'm getting rid of you brats today. Late last night at eight o'clock, a relative of yours called. He said he that he is willing to take you three in. I told him what a brave man he was." Mr. Pan said putting down his cup of coffee.

"The only thing he's doing that is brave is having to meet a slob like you." Klaud said back.

"You three will have to learn to curb your tongue. Otherwise your new guardian might send you back here. And my children doesn't want that." Mr. Pan shot back.

"Ugfreda." Sammy said laughing. She probably meant, " Yeah, well your children also don't want to be clean and not live like the animals they are. But that's not because of us, they learned that from their two pig parents."

"I really hate your sister's language. I have know idea what she's saying and she could be saying something rude." Mr. Pan glared at Sammy.

"Hey, sometimes I don't even know. But I don't really care what a baby has to say, when it probably doesn't make sense." Vanessa argued.

"Polhbcin." Sammy growled at her sister. She meant something along the lines, "When you say things like that, it just makes me want a knife to kill you more."

"Whom is this loser that's taking us in anyway?" Klaud asked.

"I'll tell you when we get into the car." Mr. Pan said.

Suddenly there was a loud boom coming down the stairs.

"Bauderares! Bauderares! Wait I have your suitcases! Oh and I put some itchy sweaters in each of them. I made them all by myself." Annette cried proudly, shoving the suitcases into each of their hands.

"Wow lady, that means so little to me." Klaud said holding onto his suitcase.

"I made them with love and you turn me down!" Annette started to sob.

"More like you made them with itching powder." Vanessa said feeling the scratchy fabric.

"Trewbasd." Sammy said throwing the sweater out. She probably meant, "Hey, I never said you had to make scratchy pieces of clothing. And if this is a symbol of love you must be rough with your husband."

"That's it, time to leave! You children have done enough." Mr. Pan said pushing them outside.

They could still hear the cries of Mrs. Pan, even when they crowded into the back of Mr. Pan's car.

"Now that we're in my car, I can tell you who your guardian is." Mr. Pan said dramatically.

"Well, spit it out fatso." Klaud pressed.

"I was just trying to make a dramatic effect. But anyways, his name is Count Ogle." Mr. Pan answered.

"So how are we related to this Count Ogle?" Vanessa asked not liking the man's name.

"He's either your cousin's aunt's nephew's brother four times removed, or your aunt's cousin's nephew's brother four times removed. Now in your parents will they say you were to be taken care of by the closest relative." Mr. Pan explained.

"He doesn't sound close he sounds long." Vanessa said.

"Well by close I guess they meant the closest relative near by. Count Ogle only lives two blocks away." Mr. Pan said back.

"What does this Ogle do for a living? Does he even have a job?" Klaud questioned.

"He's a talented actor." Mr. Pan replied.

"Yoltzas." Sammy said doubtful. In English she meant, "I've never heard of him as a person or an actor."

"Well don't worry children, I'm sure he's fine." Mr. Pan said ignoring their doubts.

The children were indeed getting out of the Pan residence, but they didn't know what they going to get into next.


	4. Chapter 4: Count Ogle

Chapter four: Count Ogle

Mr. Pan hit hard on the brakes, almost killing a stray cat. He made one last hard turn and the Bauderares fell on one another. Mr. Pan got out of the car and opened their door.

"Land!" the Bauderares cried falling on to someone's lawn.

"Get up Bauderares, we don't want people here thinking that your animals." Mr. Pan said puling them off the ground.

"Ugyret." Sammy said wiping dirt off of her dress.

By 'ugyret' she probably meant, "Well then this neighbourhood, has not met your animals; that you call Ernie and Al."

"I hope we get to live there, this house seems like it has seen cleaning tools." Klaud said inspecting the lush green lawn.

A young woman carrying a basket of flowers came out of the house. She picked one of her pretty flowers and put it in the basket.

She looked up and smiled at them.

"Well, you must be the Bauderares." she said shaking their hands.

"Who are? I hope to god you live with Count Ogle." Vanessa begged.

"I'm Justice Strut. And I hope to god I never have to live with Count Ogle. I'm just his happy little neighbour." She answered.

"Wait a second! Hold On! You're telling me that your name is Justice Strut?" Vanessa said in awe.

"Well it's my title, I am a judge. Isn't that just exciting?" Justice Strut asked.

"Youghlop." Sammy sighed. Sammy probably meant, "I don't understand nerds who try to make their hobbies interesting."

"I didn't know your sister knew pig Latin." Justice Strut said patting Sammy on the head.

Sammy gave her a toothy grin and said, "Frqrui." By 'Frqui' Sammy meant, "Get your damn hand off my head before I bite you."

"Sammy doesn't speak pig Latin. She speaks her own language and if you'd like to keep your hand, I'd take it off her hand." Klaud warned.

Justice strut took her hand back quickly and looked dumbfounded.

"Well, it was an ok experience meeting you children. Come by my house any time you like." Justice Strut nodded to Mr. Pan and went back into her house.

"Well children let go to Count Ogle's house." Mr. Pan said hesitantly pushing the children along.

Count Ogle's house was not very inviting. It looked like a large cemetery with a haunted house on the land.

"Well, his house is very theatrical. I'm sure you children will have fun here." Mr. Pan said walking on the lawn. The Bauderares reluctantly followed.

"I think we were better off, at the Pan house. At least it didn't look liked they lived in a cemetery." Klaus said looking at the headstones.

"I may not know much about cemeteries, but I don't think people put houses in cemeteries." Vanessa said backing away from a skull near her foot.

"Loplutrs." Sammy said sighing in her sister's arms. She probably meant something along the lines, "That's because you don't know much of anything."

The Bauderares walked up the steps and stood behind Mr. Pan. Mr. Pan knocked on the door hinge and the children saw there was an eye above the hinge. The pupil of the eye opened and they saw a real pupil appear. Mr. Pan leaned into look at it and the eye shut back closed. They could hear someone's running footsteps and giggling like a little girl.

"Intrude, you devil you," the voice giggled.

Mr. Pan opened the door and prompted the children to go inside.

The Bauderares looked up at the staircase when they heard, a voice.

"Hello, hello. I am your seductive Count Ogle." Count Ogle said sliding down the banister and spined towards the children and stopped on his right foot.

"You must be the Bauderares, Valerie Kaleb." Count Ogle guessed.

"That's not our names you retard! Mr. Pan you didn't tell us that he was mentally challenged." Klaud grumbled.

"I don't understand. I thought he was just taking us in. Not two other kids named Valerie and Kaleb." Vanessa said confused.

"Sadpol." Sammy sighed. She probably meant, "He did mean us stupid. He just got our names wrong, well he didn't even say my name the retard."

"You never mentioned that the children had a pet monkey." Count Ogle said leaning on Vanessa and Klaud's shoulders, to see Sammy.

"Waldock." Sammy said angry. By 'Waldock' she meant, "I am not a primate you schmuck. If anyone looks like a primate that'd be you."

The Bauderares noticed that he had one long greasy eyebrow that needed to be washed. And he wore an ugly pinstripe suit and wore no socks with his shoes. On his left ankle was a tattoo. It was a tattoo of an eye. All over his house were pictures and carving and lamps and tables shaped liked eyes.

"Why do you have so many eye shaped things in your house? Doesn't that just make you feel paranoid?" Vanessa asked inspecting a painting of an eyeball.

"No, it makes me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. I mean it makes me feel safe." Count Ogle said awkwardly.

"You never told us that our guardian was gay. I can't live with a gay man. What makes me feel wrong; makes him feel all fuzzy inside." Klaud said backing away from Count Ogle.

Count Ogle just giggled like a little girl and blushed.

"Groutwa." Sammy said disturbed. She probably meant, "I don't think it's normal to have your guardian come onto your brother."

"Well Mr. Pan you must be have a lot to do at your bank, so I'll take care of these two and their dimwitted monkey." Count Ogle said and pushed Mr. Pan out the door, sending him down the steps and crashing on the lawn.

"Lopkuy." Sammy growled at Ogle. She meant something along the lines, " If you call me a monkey one more time I swear I'll bite your head off you homo!"

"Well, I better tell you all the rules." Count Ogle said taking out a long piece of paper that rolled out to the door.

"I'm not listening to a freak like you. Besides I don't listen to rules I make rules." Vanessa said proudly.

"Well, you also used to be very rich and demanded things, like a brat. But now it's my turn to do that!" Count Ogle said dramatically.

"What is it with everyone being so dramatic, you'd think we were all on a soap opera." Klaud said sighing.

"Polugrer." Sammy said back. She probably meant, "I wish we were on a soap opera, at least we'd be making some money."

"You three orphans are going to bed now, so I can give you all of your chores in the morning. Oh just so you know you three are not allowed in the tower." Count Ogle said pointing to a staircase leading up to the room. He shoved them into a small room with only one bed and slammed the door shut.

The window was barred up, but you could still see sunlight streaming through.

"I am not going to bed when there's still daylight." Klaud said pouting and sat down on the hard uncomfortable bed.

"Well we can take turns sleeping on the bed and we'll use these dusty, full-of-spiders curtains for Sammy to sleep on. Oh and I call the bed tonight." Vanessa said and pushed her brother off.

"Well at least the floor doesn't have bugs crawling everywhere." Klaud lied just to scare Vanessa.

"Sweet! I'll train them to be our bug army and sick them on Count Ogle." Vanessa said looking for some bugs.

"Klaurtain." Sammy said biting on Klaud's hand to get his attention, but accidentally made his hand bleed a little. Sammy, probably meant, "Klaud, while Vanessa is busy finding non existing bugs, could you get the curtains for me to lie on."

"Ow, what the hell do you want baby? Oh, right those damn pink curtains." Klaud said and pulled them down for Sammy to lie on. Klaud used his clothes as blankets and Vanessa used the one dirty blanket that was on the bed. Indeed, sleeping on the bed or the floor was more or less the same. A phrase which here means, someone could have put Vanessa on the floor and she would not have noticed. Nor would have Klaud if he were put on the lumpy bed.

It seemed to the Bauderares that things were just about to get worse, but they would be ready for it. A phrase which here means, Vanessa would be ready to make inventions out of odd not-very- helpful things, Klaud would be ready to remember some nerdy book he read or read a nerdy book and Sammy would be ready to bite and shape something.

Please review! I want to know what u think!


	5. Chapter 5: Chores for Orphans Three

Chapter five: Chores for orphans three

A loud banging on the door woke the Bauderares up. Then they heard the familiar gay giggling of Count Ogle.

"I tacked your chores onto your door Bauderares, I'm going up to my forbidden tower now. Which is forbidden, so don't go up there." Count Ogle warned and giggled one last time. They waited till they heard his footsteps fade.

"I can't believe we have to get up this early, I'm use to getting up at noon." Vanessa said yawning and getting out of bed to change. Well, into the few pairs of clothing she had. Klaud did the same only he got off the floor, instead of a lumpy bed. Vanessa picked Sammy up off of the curtains she had been lying on.

"Dremanhol." Sammy said rubbing her eyes and yawning. She meant something like, "Why did you wake me up you retard? I was having a wonderful dream and it was about you. You had died and I was very rich."

Klaud opened the door and found the chores, that they were forced to do.

"I can't believe we have to do meaningless work. It's completely stupid." Klaud complained.

"Klaud what does stupid mean?" Vanessa asked dumbfounded.

"You." Sammy laughed.

"Sammy we don't have time for you, to make fun of Vanessa. Though Vanessa is pretty stupid." Klaud agreed.

"What's the first retarded thing that we have to do?" Vanessa asked, as if her siblings had not spoken at all.

"Ugh, Ogle wants us to wash his clothes. But where is this homo's clothes?" Klaud said looking around.

The three children looked down the hallway left and right. Still they couldn't see where his clothes were. Then Sammy spotted a mound of pink fabric.

"Pimo!" Sammy shrieked, by 'pimo' she meant, "Look that disgusting mound of pink, must be Count Ogle's clothes!"

"Sammy's right, this pink mound is his clothes." Klaud said, picking up some pink pants.

"This man is not afraid to show that he's gay. If anything he's flaunting it to show everyone." Vanessa said carrying some fuchsia coloured shirts.

"Wroiosmo." Sammy said balancing herself, while carrying baby pink socks. She meant something along the lines, "This is wrong in so many ways."

"I agree with Sammy, this is so wrong. His pants smell like perfume." Klaud said almost choking on the bad fumes.

"Don't you mean cologne? Isn't Ogle a man, not a woman?" Vanessa said confused.

"He's gay what do you expect. He isn't a very macho gay; he's more of the feminine kind." Klaud explained.

The three orphans walked down the long curling stairs and had to rest, when they finally reached the bottom.

"I am so tired from walking with his clothes. I mean does Ogle only have one thing of clothes to wear today? It seems all of his clothes are dirty." Klaud said taking a deep breath.

"I can't stand the colour of them, it's so gross I think I might barf." Vanessa said putting down the shirts.

"Yackoldo." Sammy agreed. She probably meant, "Yuck, these clothes make me want to go die in a hole."

So the three unlucky orphans began their first day of actual hard labour. There's no point in telling you everything they did, but I will summarise what happened! I love to summarise it's so fun! Anyways their day consisted of, hand washing his putrid clothes, washing the floor that was covered in poisonous gas, cleaning the dishes that weren't broken already, taking out the rat infested garbage, chopping wood even though Count Ogle didn't have a fireplace. And lots of more backbreaking meaningless jobs, jobs that were meaningless and backbreaking, hard jobs, jobs that were hard, almost impossible jobs and jobs that were almost impossible.

Ogle returned hours later looking drunk. It was no surprise to the Bauderares that their new homo guardian was also an alcoholic. However, there was one thing that was surprising to them. Count Ogle was laughing with a group of odd-looking people. This weird, cruel man, actually had friends!

"Bauderares! What are doing on the floor? You should be doing multiple chores at once! You three are embarrassing me in front of my friends!" Ogle whined and complained.

"Hey, Ogle I think tomorrow we'll come for dinner. It seems theses brats aren't prepared for dinner. I really feel for you man," replied a man with hooks instead of hands.

"You're right Hooky, they are brats. The only good thing about them is their fortune. Brats go to your room and wait for more instructions." Ogle ordered.

"Where the hell, do you get off ordering us around? I mean we did all of these pointless jobs and our backs hurt, and you still order us around?" Klaud threw a sponge to the floor and glared at him.

"That's it you brats!" Ogle roared and grabbed Sammy.

"Oplo!" She said and started to cry. She probably meant, "I am outraged by you Ogle, I didn't do anything! It was my brother who got mad!"

"Give back my sister you pink loving fag!" Klaud cried.

"How dare you talk to me like that!" Ogle yelled and slapped Klaud's butt.

"You mongrel!" Vanessa cried and took Sammy back.

"Uh, you saw the boy he fell on his cute butt." Ogle lied.

His friends giggled with him.

"Who are these people?" Klaud asked rubbing his behind.

"I am an actor, so I need a theatre troupe with me. But enough questions, here have some porridge for dinner. Good night!" Ogle handed the orphans three bowls of porridge, then pushed them up stairs.

"See you three idiots tomorrow! Don't forget you have to make dinner tomorrow!" Count Ogle shoved them into their room, just like last night.

They heard the door lock once more and Klaud threw his bowl of porridge at the door. The bowl broke into millions of pieces, but the porridge stayed bowled shaped.

"This porridge is like solid rock and it's very cold too!" Vanessa said, trying to break a piece of porridge.

"Yuck!" Sammy agreed.

"I'm not hungry anyways." Klaud grumbled.

Klaud flopped down on the bed and sulked. Vanessa came over and sat beside him.

"How could they have done this to us?" Klaud asked.

"They're just bad people, Klaud." Vanessa answered.

"No, I mean mom and dad. Why did they have to up and go die?" Klaud replied.

"Yeah, I know, I thought we were talking about mom and dad." Vanessa retorted.

"Braimerdge." Sammy sighed and sat beside her siblings.

By, 'braimerdge' Sammy meant, "What is wrong with you? Did you have a brain hemeredge, when you were a child?"

"Hey, there is one good thing though, I get the bed tonight! Get the hell off of my bed!" Klaud cried and pushed his sisters off.

"Brat." Sammy mumbled, walking over to her curtains.

"I never thought I would have to sleep on a floor, with a blanket. Man I do hope that I never have to anything like this again!" Vanessa sighed.

All three Bauderares dreamt of pink and Count Ogle demanding food! Oh the poor snobby kids, they had no idea that things were going to get worse. Which is why I love that I make things so bad, because you'll want to know what happens next! Stay tuned suckers, muhhaaa!

Please Review.


	6. Chapter 6: Ogle's Troupe part one

Chapter six: Ogle's Troupe part one

The Bauderares woke up earlier than yesterday and it wasn't because of Count Ogle, this time. It was because of their nightmares, that they kept having. Ok, so I lied. You see figuratively speaking it was because of Count Ogle that they woke up. He was the nightmare, but I just think it's fun to lie! I am pretty weird, so I will lie to you a lot. But back to this depressing story, which you paid to read! Ha, ha, ha!

"Klaud, do you know what time it is?" Vanessa asked yawning.

"If there was a clock in this room, I'd tell you. But sadly Count Ogle didn't put one in here." Klaud sighed.

"He probably doesn't have time to look to a clock. It seems our new guardian may be stupid." Vanessa said trying to figure out things.

"Yomorastup." Sammy said rolling her eyes. She probably meant,

"Vanessa Count Ogle is probably smart! The man is pure evil, so he must be an evil mastermind. Who tends to giggle a lot."

"I agree with Sammy." Klaud agreed.

"Wait a second! I just remembered something! I am an inventor so I could build a clock!" Vanessa got off the floor and jumped in excitement.

"Oh, no, Vanessa you know what we have to do when one of us jump in excitement." Klaud looked worried.

"Oh, if only I could keep my joy to myself." Vanessa said and slapped her head.

"Vanessa." Sammy said and sighed. She meant something along the lines, "I may call you names, but that doesn't mean you should abuse yourself."

"Well let's get this whole thing over with." Klaud went over to their box of clothes and got out three pairs of cowboy clothes.

The Bauderares each put the clothes on. Somehow randomly, Vanessa found a cassette player. She pressed play and a fiddle folk song started playing. Then the Bauderares started to sing along with the folk song.

"Oh, when you jump for joy you have to do a jig! Even if you think you can resist it, you can't. This jig is so irresistible you can't ignore it. So remember if you are ever happy, keep it to yourself. Who knows what could happen if you forget, to keep your excitement to yourself? If you do forget you'll have to do this jig!" The Bauderares screamed the last part.

They breathed heavily and sat down on the floor.

"Now that that's over, we should get started on the clock." Vanessa said and tied her hair up with her bloody rag.

"Um, Vanessa, we don't have any materials to make a clock. Maybe we should go make a sundial there are materials outside.

"Ok." Vanessa shrugged her shoulders and picked Sammy up.

The three orphans opened their door, guessing that Ogle must have opened it before going to his tower. Once again there was a piece of paper, tacked to their door. However, this time there was just one instruction written down. Klaud took the tack off of the paper and read, what their guardian had written.

"It seems that all we have to do today is, make this big dinner for Ogle and his troupe." Klaud said.

"Great, I hope he at least gave us some money." Vanessa shook her head, at thought of cooking for his annoying friends.

"Peronre." Sammy replied. By 'peronre' she meant, "Perhaps our evil- genius- of-a - guardian, has put money downstairs on the table."

So the three orphans went downstairs, hoping to find lots of money. Ok, so actually they knew they wouldn't get much. I mean Count Ogle is a cheapskate. I am hoping that as I walk down the stairs of an enemy who has captured me, that I will find lots of money. Maybe I will finally get the money I was supposed to get, for writing this book.

The children found money on the table, but only just enough to make one meal. They saw three bowls of porridge awaiting them, but the children didn't bother with them. They knew that the porridge was probably cold just like last night.

"Hey, I just remembered that nerdy judge said we could visit her any time. She would take us to the grocery store." Klaud said and his eyes shone behind his glasses.

"Horary, for Klaud the ouber genius! For he has figured out solution to our predicament!" Vanessa cried and for the first time she sounded smart.

"Vanessa you said something that didn't sound dumb! I am very scared right now." Klaud shuddered.

"I'm scared too Klaud." Vanessa gulped nervously.

"Shocked." Sammy whispered. Sammy meant something like, " I thought our lives were just depressing, but now it's also scary."

End of part one.

P.S. Please review! I do respect everyone's opnion!


	7. Chapter 7: Ogle's Troupe part two

Chapter seven: Ogle's troupe part two

So after the Bauderares got over being shocked; they went to Justice Strut's house.

She was so excited she started to wheeze and had to get her puffer. Klaud was almost turned on by her extreme nerdy ness.

"OMG! LOL! Come in Bauderares, I haven't had company since Count Ogle!" she cried and pulled them all inside.

"Wait, you had Ogle over here? OMG, ROFL copter!" Klaud said in awe.

"We had a date one time, last July. Ogle and I ate pizza and watched Kangaroo Jack." Justice Strut said.

"I thought he was- you know gay?" Vanessa said confused.

"No, Ogle just puts an act on when he meets new people. Two years ago when he took two Japanese twins in, he pretended he was an old German gatekeeper. The two poor girls ran away after a week; of him telling scary stories about little men made of cheese." Strut sighed.

"Blubumbee" Sammy muttered. She probably meant, "I don't think I'll ever eat cheese again."

"Anyways, we need your help Strut. Ogle gave us some money to buy food." Klaud said.

"Really? I was just going to go out to the market. You three can join me." She picked up a big basket and pushed them outside.

"Where is this market?" Vanessa asked, as her and her siblings followed behind.

"Oh it's in the crack distract. They sell their food really cheap, though their drugs are expensive." She answered.

"Mamloupl." Sammy sighed. She meant something along the lines, "Why would you take us children, to a crack market?"

"I'm not sure if there's crack flavoured mangos, it would cost you. How much you got?" Justice Strut said, completely misunderstanding Sammy.

"OMG!" Sammy rolled her eyes.

"I didn't know your sister knows MSN." Strut replied.

"Well, she says what she hears. She's not that smart." Vanessa said, tapping Sammy on the head.

"Yeaho Tacoty!" Sammy mumbled. She probably meant something like," Yeah right! I beat you at extreme tic-tac-toe!"

"No Sammy, they don't sell Spanish men named Takito." Vanessa retorted.

"Actually, last week they were selling a man. I think his name was Spanish. Oh, but they sell like hot cakes." Strut added.

"They sell people? Why are you taking us there then? Are you nuts? You should get a therapist for your type of crazy." Klaud shook his head.

"I do have one, four eyes! He says I'm nuts all the time, so I already know I'm crazy!" Strut cried.

"What is this therapist you speak of? Is it a type of Mexican food?" Vanessa asked.

"No, but my therapist is hot! So I'd say he's pretty yummy!" she giggled.

"What did you just say?" Vanessa said.

" Don't you get health at your school? They should be teaching you what stuff like that means!" Strut cried.

"I'm sorry but what is Health?" Vanessa said dumbfounded.

Now it would be pointless to continue recording their conversation. So I'm going to skip to when they meet Ogle's Troupe.

So the Bauds got some food to make, pomegranate pudding-crust. Oh yeah there were anchovies too.

As for the Troupe, one man had hooked hands and was a gangster. He wore clothes by G Unit. His first name was Hookoliss, but he was a total wiger. Meaning he was a white guy trying to be black.

Then there were two masked faced women; they looked like fat thieves. They wore big puffy dresses, which had the design of rats. The one in the red dress's name was Jessica. The one in the yellow dress was Mandy.

There was also, a big bald dude. He had a tattoo of a cupcake on his head. That guy was always eating pastries; he was a chunky man. Oh, and his name was Lucas.

Then there was this he-she or maybe it was a she-he? Anyways, it wore fishnet stockings and capris, with a plain t-shirt and a sports jacket. His hair was slicked back with gel. It had no sense of style and it's name was Sandy.

P.S. Ogle was totally wasted.(lol)

Please review..


	8. Chapter 8:Ogle's Troupe part three

Chapter Eight: Ogle's Troupe part three

"Hey Bauderares, do you know I once made out with Sandy. I found it to be half hot and half disgusting." He spewed wine on them.

Sandy just grunted and then blushed afterwards.

"Wow, I'm not sure if I should go _aww_, or_ gross_!" Klaud replied.

"I wasn't sure either." Ogle agreed.

"Well, I once stole a slushy at a convenient store. Only some girl body checked me, I think it was her slushy." Jessica said reminiscing.

"The first time I stole was at age seven. I had taken Rose Burgin's sandwich. She cried because I ate it in front of her. Oh and I pushed her in a sandbox." Mandy added.

"The first time I realized I loved pastries, was when I was nine years old. Some jocks had thrown cupcakes at my head. The said they did it because I'm fat. So I jumped on all three of them and broke some arms and legs. I'm a beast!" Lucas cried and broke a chair with his head.

Everyone then turned to Sandy, whose name could be male or female. Sandy just put his hands up to say _"What?"_

"Look, Sandy, you're going to have to talk eventually. We all know you can speak." Ogle said and nudged Sandy.

"Yeah, in fifth grade was the last time Sandy spoke." Jessica sighed.

"Poor, Sandy had gotten made fun of. This guy Richard Saunders had called him a he-she freak. Sandy never spoke again after that day; he learned sign language. Also he had picked Richard up and threw him across the room. Richard never walked again that day." Mandy sobbed.

"All right, enough of this touchy feely stuff! Time for my posse to go home." Ogle almost fell down, when he opened the door.

They all said their drunken goodbyes; well Sandy just waved a small bye.

"Ok, kiddies, time for bed time. I'll be listening to Alanis Morsette and wearing my favourite scarf." Ogle laughed a little and then fell down.

"Ogle what the hey? I had heard that you weren't gay." Klaud said.

"Oh, so Strut told you? Good I'm going to listen to Eminim and wear some bling." Ogle cried.

"Is bling a type of tie?" Vanessa asked, stepping away from the puddles of wine.

"Hells no! It's like jewellery for gangsters." Ogle said, lifting his head up.

"Goulmond." Sammy replied. She meant something like, "I want to get some bling so I can look pimped out!"

"Good night Bauds, peace out!" Ogle said, and took a drink from his bottle and passed out.

"Hey you think he has any beer?" Vanessa sounded excited.

"We're not old enough to drink. I say we eat some pudding!" Klaud went to the fridge.

"Yumabon." Sammy said and dove her face, right into it. She meant something along the lines, "I love chocolate pudding. It's the one thing I'm addicted too! Muhaaa!"

"I still say that beer would be better. Maybe I like it because mom told me she drank, when she was pregnant with me." Vanessa sighed, remembering her mother.

"Well, should we leave Ogle wear he is?" Klaud asked.

"First we should draw on his face for funsees." Vanessa grabbed some markers.

So the three demented kids drew glasses, a moustache and freckles on him. They laughed all the way up to their room. Only Vanessa didn't stop laughing till two in the morning. She was still kind of slow.


	9. Chapter 9:Sammy's POV

Chapter Nine: Sammy's Adventure in Ogle's Tower

**Authors Note:**

So this chapter is all about Sammy's side of the next incident.

I'm just an infant, but I'm smarter than my sister Vanessa. One day I know someone is going to call her a name. I have, but no one understands me and that's the sad life of a baby orphan.

Anyways I have one nerdy brother, Klaud. He has a bad sense of style and his glasses are extra thick. Also I think he has a thing for this judge, her name is Justice Strut. Vanessa had thought Justice Strut was a real name, but it's just a title. Klaud asked what her first name was. It's Carmen. Which makes me think of caramel and then makes me think of pudding. I'm addicted to pudding. I once slapped Vanessa to get pudding from her and then I laughed when she went unconscious.

Today I decided to sneak away from my siblings. They've been holding me down! You see I'm a rebel and I like to bite, a lot.

I've always wanted to see what Ogle's tower looks like. The first time I met him; I thought the tower would be all pink. Now I think there'll be tons on bling in there. I also hope he has the song Riding Dirty. Not White and nerdy, because Klaud loves that song.

As I crawl outside the room of my crap shack bedroom I share. I'm sure Ogle has a hangover. I couldn't resist going downstairs to see how he looked. Probably horrible, we did draw on his face.

When I finally got down there I saw him asleep. There was a puddle of drool by his mouth and he was still clutching a bottle of wine.

Ogle is a bit of a drunkard loser.

I laughed a little at his expense, he was so pathetic. I got bored easy so I went upstairs to got to the tower.

I must admit the real reason I wanted to go there, was to take some bling of his. There's a guy I like and he has hooked hands. His name is Hookoliss, instead of Nicholas.

I never liked a guy as much as Hooky. Well, there was this one boy Damien. I met him at a birthday party for Klaud's friend Zach. He had a younger brother that was Damien. Sadly, though, he was very unintelligent. All he was interested in was blocks still he was so cute.

But back to today, I had almost reached the top. I was really excited; I hoped he had pudding up there. Man, I love pudding; I would do anything for pudding!

I had reached the door. Oddly the door was slightly open, that was good for me. I slowly crawled in and saw that the place was a mess. Magazines of rappers, empty bottles of wine and empty boxes of pizza too.

Then I saw it. It was shiny silver and the shape of a dollar sign. It was the perfect bling. I was so giddy and excited, that I didn't notice the person coming inside.

"I think that bling is just pimpin', don't you?" Ogle said sounding sick.

"Ogle?" I was in shell shock.

"Now primate baby, you know you're now allowed in here. It's the only place I have to be alone and chill. So I'm going to have to put you in a cage. Muhaaa!" Ogle grabbed me and put me in a cage and had me dangling outside the window.

The first hour sucked, since he threw applesauce at my head! So now here I am, hoping to God Vanessa will have one of those rare smart moments. Or Klaud will remember reading something, on how to outwit a drunkard genius.

At least I have some applesauce to eat off of my clothes.


	10. Chapter 10:Yo, will you be my bride?

Chapter Ten: Yo, Will you be my bride? **Authors Note:** The next chapter goes back to normal and not being able to read someone's thoughts. I'm so evil (LOL, JK) :P

"Hey Bauderares wake the hell up! I've got a surprise. Oh and don't speak to loud, I have a massive migraine. I drank too much but it was worth it! I'll probably do it again, tonight!" Ogle chuckled and then moaned because of his hangover.

"Hey Ogle have you looked in a mirror lately?" Vanessa giggled and handed one to him.

"What did you preppy brats do to me? Holy Cheese! Who did the freckles, I love them!" Ogle said looking his face over.

"That was me." Vanessa blushed.

"Do you like the glasses?" Klaud asked eagerly.

"They're a little to thick dude, try acting cool sometimes." Ogle sighed.

"Whatever, I'm smoking." Klaud sounded really nerdy.

"Wait, where's Sammy OMG!" Vanessa cried.

"I kidnapped her! Well actually I had seen her in there. I was going up to my tower to find some aspirin." Ogle admitted.

"Well, giver her back Ogle! What did we do to you? Other than draw on your face." Klaud said.

"I will give her back, but on one condition. You two have to be in my play! Klaud you will be a cow and Vanessa, you will be my bride!" Ogle cackled.

"Hell No!" they both shouted.

"Gross you two just spit on me! Now listen hear, brats! If you don't do what I say I'll throw your baby out!" Ogle cried dramatically.

"Uh, Sammy isn't our baby. She's our sister. For an evil genius, you sure have a bad memory." Vanessa said.

"I don't know your old enough to have had a baby. Nice wide hips by the way!" Ogle gave her a wink.

Vanessa giggled and went red.

"If you ever hit on my sister again, I'll vomit." Klaud looked sick.

"Well that won't work, because she has to be my bride. So, yo, will you be my bride?" Count Ogle asked.

"Hmm, if it'll save Sammy, no!" Vanessa smiled.

"Vanessa! Look Sammy is actually smart, so we'll need her." Klaud whispered to her.

"She'll do it Ogle!" Klaud blurted.

He then closed the door and started to laugh.

"What the cheese! No way, am I going to marry an old guy!" Vanessa slapped Klaud.

"Holy Ow!" Klaud rubbed his cheek.

"Look if Sammy dies she can't make fun of me. I'll be free of her secret language." Vanessa cried.

Klaud then slapped Vanessa.

"What was that for?" she said angry.

"You dunce! You're not really going to marry Ogle. You're going to think of an invention and I'll remember some book on marriage." Klaud explained.

"Oh, OK. But, I'll need my bloody rag first." Vanessa replied.

"Oh here it is. By the way it's freaking disgusting; why is there blood on it?" Klaud handed it to her.

"There's blood because, I had my first nose bleed on there. It happened when I made fun of Sally Ringrold's earrings; she punched me really hard. Oh and I got first prize in my third grade science fair that day too." she said proudly.

"Anyways, think darn it! Think!" Klaud cried.

"I've got it! I'll make a really long piece of rope and climb up." Vanessa said getting excited.

"You idiot. The tower is too tall to climb up with just rope. Besides you have bad aim when you throw things up." Klaud sighed.

"I could make a grab like hook. Then you throw it into the air catching onto the window of the tower. Vanessa said hopefully.

"Well I guess since I am so good in sports and things like that." He said very cocky.

"But you're only slightly better than me. In gym class you broke your glasses playing volleyball." Vanessa laughed.

"The sun was in my eyes that day!" "But we were playing inside _that day_."

"So you're so dumb you had to go back one grade. You're supposed to be in ninth grade."

"Then why am I fourteen? And why are you in eighth grade, if you're only twelve?" Vanessa was one again, dumbfounded. "Because, your birthday is July 22nd and it's June 1st. Also I'm just ouber smart.

"So, what could I use to make it?" Vanessa asked, changing the subject so she wouldn't seem dumb.

"I thought you were the inventor?" Klaud shrugged his shoulders.

"Right lets use some of our bed sheets and this lamp shade frame. Also I'll use the monkey ball knot.

"And here I never thought you'd be smart again." Klaud said and they headed outside.

"Hey, Klaud, you sure you can do this? If you hit Sammy that's OK with me!"

"You two should get consoling when you're of age, to get our parents' fortune."

He then took his first shot; it came back down and hit Vanessa on the head.

"Oh my God! I think I'm going to die, Klaud you suck!" Vanessa fell to the ground and rubbed her sore head.

"Hold on I'll get it, KK?" Klaud tried again.

This time it didn't fall back down but it had hooked onto something.

"Oh yea, go me! See I'm not that bad at sports and stuff! Whose the nerd now Ogle! I'm so pumped up, man I wish White and Nerdy was playing now!" Klaud said dancing around.

"Oh God, who threw this in my eye? I'm going to kill whoever threw this! I am not getting a hook for my eye, like my hands!" yelled a voice up above.

"You hear something?" Vanessa asked.

"No, I don't think so. Let's get started climbing." Klaud said and grabbed the rope.

"OK, but first lets give a good tug to make sure it holds." Vanessa tugged hard.

"OMG, who just did that? My eye is bleeding!" hollered the voice again.

"Yep, it's holding onto something." Vanessa said.

The two orphans began their short journey up the tower.

"Hey, Vanessa do you think Ogle wants to marry you for our fortune?" Klaud asked, as they reached the top.

"I don't know everyone does it for money now these days." Vanessa sighed.

They reached the top and fell into the tower.

"So it was you two jerks who did this to my eye. Just because I have hooked hands doesn't mean you can throw things at my left eye!" he pulled the hook out and held a towel to his bloody eye.

"Oh shizit, we're caught!" Klaud said.

" Oh yea, that's right… time for my evil laugh. Muhaaa!" he cackled.

"Muhaaa!" Sammy laughed.

"Why are you laughing Sammy, you're trapped too?" Vanessa said seeing her sister's freaky teeth.

"Bored." She shrugged.

"Well my pretties, now I've got you!" he said making claws with his hooks, as best he could.

"Um, why do you sound like the witch form the Wizard of OZ?" Klaud asked.

"Shut up kid." he replied and sat down on his chair. And put on an eye patch from the ground.

So the orphans now really have to be in Ogle's sucky play. Suckers. Ha Ha! I mean poor Bauderares? Yea that's it, I feel empathy for them.


	11. Chapter 11: Cheesy Romance literally

Chapter Eleven: The only chapter with a cheesy romance (literally)

Meanwhile Count Ogle was getting singing and dance lessons from Justice Strut. Personally they both sucked!

"So, the next line is, I'm Ogle yo! I eat raw does! I'm the hottest rapper you'll ever see, I like to chase big fat bees!" Ogle said then spun on his head, but fell down halfway.

"You have to work on your spin Ogle." Strut then did a headstand and spun on her head.

"You know Strut, maybe after the show we could go to my place and do what we did last July."

"Ha, fat chance there Ogle. I'm more into the nerds now." Strut said, shooting him down.

"But, do nerds like cheese as much as you and me? I'll answer for you, no. They don't understand our love for this dairy product and no one ever will. Besides, last July when we had pizza we both wanted to order extra cheese and no sauce. It was that moment then that I knew we would forever have a cheesy relationship and I knew you were thinking the same too."

"I'll never forget the way you said fromage, with such passion."

"Yes, so don't you want to give this cheese love relationship one more try?"

"Well I'm still not sure, maybe if we sing a song and dance it will help with my decision."

"Well what song then, some R&B, Classic Jazz? Oh, I want to do hip-hop or some cool island song!"

"No, we're going to do a duet. The song is promiscuous by Nelly Furtado and featuring some gangster guy's name I don't know."

"Well then let's get into proper costume, well I already am in gangster clothes. So here I just somehow found what Nelly Furtado wore in her music video."

"Already changed my Count…"

S: Am I throwin' you off?  
O: Nope  
S: Didn't think so

O: How you doin' young lady  
That feelin' that you givin' me really drives me crazy  
You don't have a player about the cheese  
I was at a loss of words first time that we ate, Omg!

S: If you looking for a girl that'll give good cheese  
If you lookin' for her in the day time with hard peas

O: Your cheese might be the type  
I'll find out by the end of this bite

S: You expect me to just let you eat it  
But will you still respect me if you get it

O: All I can do is try, gimme one chance  
What's the problem I don't see no other guy that can eat and dance

I be the first to admit it, I'm curious about you, you seem so innocent

S: You wanna get in my world, get lost in it  
Boy I'm tired of eating alone with one oven mitt.

Chorus-  
Cheesy girl  
Wherever you are  
I'm all alone  
And it's your cheese I want

S: Cheesy boy  
You already know  
That it's all yours  
What you waiting for?

Cheesy girl  
You're teasing me  
You know what I want  
And I got what you what I eat

S: Cheesy boy  
Let's get to the point  
Cause we're on a roll  
Are you ready?

Verse-  
S: Roses are red  
Some cheese is blue  
Chivalry is dead  
But you're still kinda cute

Hey! I can't keep my mind off your cheese

you what you eat,, do you mind if I come and swallow and chew?

S: It's out of this world come with me to my planet  
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?

They call me Cheese Dude  
last name Frown  
Recognize game  
I'm a cheese man hands down

S: I'm a big girl I can handle myselfBut if I get hungry I'm a need your help  
Pay attention to me I don't eat for my health

I want your kind of cheese  
S: So does everybody else.

Baby we can keep it on the low  
Let your cheese down I won't cheat  
If you with it girl I know a place we can eat

S: What kind of girl do you take me for?

Chorus-

Cheesy girl  
Wherever you are  
I'm all alone  
And it's your cheese I want

S: Cheesy boy  
You already know  
That it's all yours  
What you waiting for?

Cheesy girl  
You're teasing me  
You know what I want  
And I got what you eat

S: Cheesy boy  
Let's get to the point  
Cause we're on a roll  
Are you ready?

Don't be dry, don't get cracking  
S: Don't get dry, don't be cracking

Hey! Don't be dry , don't get cracking  
S: Don't get dry , don't be cracking

Wait! I don't mean no harm  
I can see you with my apron on

S: I can see you with cheese on  
eating for me before I bring more on

Bring more on?  
S: You know what I mean

Girl, I'm a cheese freak you shouldn't say those things

S: I'm only trying to get inside your brain  
To see if you can eat with me and if your sane.

It's okay, it's alright  
I got something that you gon' like

S: Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash

Is your game cheesey. like Mrs. Dash

-Chorus-

S: Cheesy Boy  
We're one in the same  
So we don't gotta play games no more   
"Well that was kind of a waste of time, so do you want to get back together?"

"No, I just always wanted to sing that song with cheese in it."

"Crap. Oh well time to put on a play, and not think about our cheesy dead love."

"Yea, I'll probably be eating cheese when I'm the judge in your weird play."

"It's called the Monstrous Marriage."

So basically young reader the next chapter is about his stupid play and the next is one big mystery for you, but not me. Ha!


	12. Chapter 12: The Monstrous Marriage

Chapter twelve: The Monstrous Marriage

Vanessa and Klaud were behind Ogle's ugly curtains as they awaited their doom. Basically the bratty kids didn't want to have to be in his one hour long play. Klaud was playing with his udders on his cow costume when Vanessa turned to him and asked this, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Now there are two ways to answer a question, honestly or dishonestly.

If you answer a question honestly you will either be thanked, given praise or some form of a positive outcome; like getting a small amount of money or chocolate. Chocolate is always good! However, if the person didn't like your honesty then they would have given you poisoned chocolate such as the kind I gave to a man named Robert who also loved my Beatrice.

If you give a dishonest answer and tell them a lie to get good chocolate then everything will work out good for you as you watch the chaos happen because you lied. Then again if you're as stupid as Vanessa or as mean as Klaud you would answer a question that helped no one out and made you laugh silly, but karma would bit you or you would be terribly confused.

So basically kiddies Klaud answered the question the only he wanted to.

"Well, I think you look ugly in anything no matter how much you weigh."  
"OMG! IDK why you would want to hurt me?"  
"Oh DMY, Violet."  
"Are you serious."  
"Does this look like I'm J/K- ing?"  
"No." Vanessa whimpers.

"Alright then, now I want you to go out there and be the best ugo you can be."  
"I will and I want you to be the best damn cow and moo with pride."  
"I promise."  
"Klaud stop playing with your udders and go on stage so the bald guy can milk you." Ordered some guy.

"Who the hell are you?"  
"I'm the random producer Ogle hired."

"K, well I'm going to go have my fifteen minutes of odd enjoyable shame." Klaud grins and goes on stage.

"So producer dude, do you like purple by any chance?"  
"I'm more into mauve or pastel pinks. My wife likes green though, sometimes I wonder if we were ever right for each other."  
"I didn't ask about your problems, I asked if you like purple to see if I might be able to go out with you. Gees." Vanessa rolls her eyes.

"The name's Phil, I had a dog once named Vanessa, she hated my mom. Mainly because my mom gave her fish to eat, so I'd have to go buy real dog food. My mom had a tumor that eventually killed her, last thing she did was try to stuff fish bones down Vanessa's throat and then had a massive heart attack and Vanessa bit her ear off."

"I have to go and laugh at you in this corner."

"See ya."

Vanessa was rolling on the floor laughing, when Ogle came up to her.

"Look, Vanessa I know that we don't always like each other but that's how a marriage works. So I must warn you that I'll probably end up throwing wine bottles at your head, for every time I get drunk."  
"You mean every night then."

"Oh you think your so lol funny don't you? Well I'm not ROFL."  
"What ever, I enjoy laughing at my own jokes."  
" Clearly." Ogle rolls his eyes.

"So when do I have to marry you."

"In three… two… one. Time to get rich-"  
"Hey don't call her that or she may knife you and then you'll have no money." Klaud warned.

"But it rhymes and I like to rhyme."  
"If you ever rhyme I will slice and dice you."  
"Gees you're moody today, did you get your period?"

" No I did not. I had it last week and trust me five days of using old rags filled with blood is not fun."  
"Thank God I'm a man, I faint at the sight of blood."  
"You have issues."

"Yea, and you're one of them. Oh zing, zoom, zoom, zoom!"

"That was pretty good but your only quick like that once a year."  
"That's what she said, BOO YA!" Klaud did his nerdy end zone dance.

"So let's get hitched."

Ogle and Vanessa walked on stage, but Vanessa was blinded by the bright lights and fell off the stage.

"Ow, I think I broke my leg. That stage was not stable so I'm suing, are there any lawyers around?"

Several hands flew up including a sweaty looking man.

"No one called Sweaty Teddy by his mom though."

"Darn." the sweaty man muttered.

"I'm Brad, and I have no mother. I'm also a lawyer." Brad helped Vanessa stand up.

"Perfect."

"You, one eyebrow man, this stage was obviously put together very quickly and with thin rotting wood. By the way, you look horrible in blue, definitely not your colour. You'd look better in a forest green."  
"Well BTW _you_ would look better in an ugly yellow, because you are ugly too. Meaning too ugly things make a half decent looking ugo!" Ogle laughed.

"This young girl wearing too much purple eye shadow, can sue you for everything your worth."  
"Which wouldn't be much." Klaud chuckled.

Lucas hit some drums, emphasizing that Klaud was making a joke.

"Karaoke is so off Lucas!" Count Ogle growled.

"I don't care, I'll just go and eat whole cake on Friday instead!" Lucas ran with tears in his eyes.

"Anywho, Ogle when would you like to go to court? On July 15th, 17th or 25th?"  
"Uh, how about on _kiss my grits_!" Ogle smirked.

"Please who says that anymore?"  
"Well _Brad,_ not everyone swears!"  
"O.K., lets say on the 25th then."

"Oh, muskrat no!""Justice Strut will you be the Judge for us ?" "Ah what the potato, may as well. I haven't had a job in three months." Strut sighed.

"Wait, I have a confession!" Hookoliss cried dramatically.

"Oh dear God." Ogle shook his head.

"Sammy Bauderare, tricked me into kissing her. So I let her out of the cage, because she held onto my face. And I didn't want to lose a face, after having my eye damaged by the other two. I decided to let her out of the cage only to have her steal the keys and run outside."  
Everyone in the audience gasped and someone whispered, "This is better than I thought it'd be. I'm really confused about what's going on, but their acting is supreme."

"That's it no more outbursts, lawsuits or reactions from the audience!" Ogle yelled.

"You're right Ogle, it's time for my singing solo!" Vanessa grinned.

"Walrus no! Now where did you're animal Samantha go?" Ogle began to search the crowd.

"Ogle chicken neck!" Sammy said crawling over to him.

"I do not have a chicken neck! I have a llama's neck, gees."

"Enough! I want this play to be over with so I can go play Bingo!" one of the seniors complained.

"It's almost over Jessica and Mandy's mom." Ogle retorted.

"So am I getting you two people married?" Strut asked yawning.

"All in good time there my friend." Ogle assured.

"Fat chance. Klaud pick up Sammy and we're out of here."  
"Where are we going?" Klaud questioned picking up Sammy.

"To any cheese factory that will hire us and we'll only have to work for four years."  
"We're allergic to cheese, you fool."  
"No, that's only goats cheese."  
"But what if we have to work with goats cheese."  
"Then we'll work at one that only manufactures cheddar."

"But what if they lie to us and say it's only cheddar, but really there's goats cheese inside the cheddar. I love cheddar cheese and I don't want to swell up because someone put Goats cheese inside!"

"Why do you ruin every idea I have? Obviously we'd get Sammy to try the cheese first because she probably isn't allergic to the cheese."

"Sounds good enough to me."

"Hold it! You and your beast and genius are not going anywhere!" The Count cried menacingly.

"Oh, he has good expression when he's trying to be evil." The same person whispered from the audience, to her husband delightfully.

"OMG, JGA you jerk!" Violet sighed.

"JGA? Amblacve?" Sammy gave her the usual confused not-surprised-I- don't-know-what-you-mean look. She most likely meant, " What the Narwhal do you mean? I'm presuming you mean just gamble alone. Or Jump Gas stations with Agility. Something incredibly stupid."

"Excuse me, did you just tell me to Just Go Away! Because if you did that is so hurtful and totally mean O.K.!"

"Don't try to relate to me by trying to talk girly and sensitive. I beat up girls like that and sometimes they beat up me!"

"Yea, sure you've beaten up them too. I'm so RME, I bet they kicked your caboodle all day long!"  
"What does RME mean? Seriously you and Vanessa could talk in all MSN and no else would understand." Klaud said.

"For a cleaver guy you sure aren't smart about your pop culture. RME, means rolling my eyes." Ogle scoffed.

"Yea Klaud you should learn your MSN before you talk with us." Vanessa added.

"You know Vanessa we would make a great couple for speaking. All day talking in letters, Klaud and Sammy could stop calling you dumb too. However I want half of your fortune when you turn eighteen."

"Well, I've always wanted to sound smart and not take up time saying real words. So sure what the Yak, I'll do it!"  
"Beautiful. Let's get hitched. Strut if you'll do the whole binding bringing together, get rich in a few years thing.

"I can't! Ogle I think I'm still inlove with you!"

"What makes you want me now? I mean you crushed me I crushed you it's a total train wreck baby!"  
"Still after all the hell we've been through I've always thought we'd end up together!"

"Still why do you want me now, I mean what's different now!"  
"You're getting married!"

"Right, well till you get filthy rich I ain't marrying you got it?"  
"But what if this is the biggest mistake of your life? What if I'm the girl you're suppose to be with?"  
"Please I've made bigger mistakes, sweetheart. I made a mistake when I told Hooky to hold my chainsaw for me! The man was never the same again, all because I left the chain saw on and his hands holding the blade underneath. It still doesn't mean it was all my fault he could have let go, but he was 'frozen with fear' as he put it."

"Fine then I won't let you marry this little you-know-what! I'll just leave and move to Nebraska!"  
"No, you are getting us married Strut! You can leave New York for Nebraska right after."  
"Never!" Strut wept and ran off stage weeping.

"So Ogle you planned on taking the Bauderares fortune all along?" Mr. Pan stood up and the crowd stared at Ogle and Pan in awe.

"This play is really coming alive!" The same woman said excitedly.

"Shh! I can't hear what the English man is saying! Oh he has a horrible cough, he just coughed up some flem on his fat wife." her husband winced.

The lat chapter may be the greatest of them all if not make me more rich, so thanks a bunch for reading this long! But I still make money while you people gain nothing, other than the knowledge from this book, which is absolutely nothing!

P.S. There were a few references and lines that I used from my favourite T.V. show Scrubs. And if you don't already know I got DMY from the Simpsons. Which means Don't Mess Yourself.


	13. Chapter 13: The Big Finale

Chapter thirteen: The Big Finale

**A/N: FuFu Bunny is a nickname that I had given my friend cause her last name is Fu, and all of my other friends think she's like a rabbit. XD. I do actually write stories about FuFu Bunny and I wanted to put my character in the story for funsies! **

**PS. Sorry for keeping you all of you loyal fans waiting for the final chapter, I have been so busy this year and almost forgot I hadn't finished, gasps. But like you people care about my excuses so enjoy the last chapter.**

Then Ogle ran and shut the lights off but when he tried to escape someone or something grabbed him.

"Bahaaaaa! I am the great FuFu Bunny who has come to stop you from getting away for your evil crimes!"

"Whoa, what the crazy are you talking about!"

"Well seven of my friends were reading this story and told me to come to stop you!"

"How the twilight did you get here?"

"I have magical bunny powers, duh!"

"Right, well I'm not going to be taken down by some larger rabbit." Ogle try to squirm out of her hold but couldn't.

"Someone turn the lights back on!" FuFu called out.

The three children heard the bunny's cry for help.

Vanessa was the first to reach the lights but stopped in her tracks looking stunned.

"Vanessa turn the lights on before Ogle gets away!" Klaud panicked.

"Oh, right that's what I was suppose to do, OK."

Sammy was still in Klaud's arms and was shaking with laughter at Vanessa's stupidity.

With a flash of light the children saw who had asked for assistance.

"OMG times one thousand!" Vanessa put her hand to her mouth.

"This just can't be possible big giant talking rabbits don't exist." Klaud exclaimed.

"Oh so your against the Easter Bunny too?!" FuFu accused.

"Haldbeahhh." Sammy meant something along the lines, "Oh dear lord, I do not want to get into this debate it could go on forever. I'll shall stop it even before it begins."

Though there was no need for Sammy to stop the confrontation that was about to occur, because Ogle had managed to get out of FuFu's grasp and was crawling away.

"Ogle!" Sammy pointed to the ground.

FuFu was so sick of this world and chose to leave but before she left she knocked Ogle on the head so he couldn't run away.

After Mr. Pan had finished a big coughing fit he joined the situation.

"Ogle I am going to make sure you get the full punishment that you deserve!"

"Aww come on I've probably taught these children many life lessons!"

"Well alright if you put it that way- no I have to punish you somehow you need to give back to society or something." Mr. Pan began coughing it looked like he might be awhile.

"He looks like he might awhile, so I think that we should choose Ogle's punishment." Klaud said.

Mr. Pan nodded and started to cough up his dinner.

"Oh can we make him sing a song?" Vanessa got excited.

"Hey that's not a bad idea and it's been awhile since _I've_ been entertained."

"Scary." Sammy mumbled because Vanessa had a good idea again.

"Ohhhh let's make him sing Sunday Morning by Maroon 5!" Vanessa squealed.

"Ogle do you think you'd be able to sing like Adam Levine?" Klaud asked.

"Of course, you know I was the original lead for Maroon 5 but Adam bribed the band to let him sing so I was kicked out!" Ogle lied and went on stage.

"Adam Levine is way hotter than Ogle." Vanessa whispered to Sammy as they took their seats.

"Hookplee." Sammy disagreed and thought that no one was hotter than Hooky.

"Quiet down, I want to hear Ogle make a fool of himself!" Klaud shushed them.

"Uh, can I have someone playing the tune for Sunday Morning on the piano?" Ogle asked.

"I will!" Strut jumped up and started to play the song like she had been all of her life.

"Great, my ex- is playing for me oh well. Does anyone have a karaoke machine with the lyrics?"

"I do!" Strut stopped playing and dragged in a karaoke machine and popped in a disc.

"Well I don't need you anymore Strut the music is on here too."

"Oh but I turned off the sound so I can sing with my awesome piano skills." Strut beamed.

"You better be awesome!" Ogle warned.

"Sing Ogle, sing!" The crowd cheered.

"Alright but I'm not promising anything!" Ogle yelled.

He cleared his throat and then pressed play on the machine.

"Sunday morning rain is falling Steal some covers share some skin Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable You twist to fit the mold that I am in But things just get so crazy Living life gets hard to do And I would gladly hit the road Get up and go if I knew  
That someday it would lead me back to you That someday it would lead me back to you  
That may be all I need In darkness she is all I see Come and rest your bones with me  
Driving slow on Sunday morning And I never want to leave Fingers trace your every outline Paint a picture with my hands And back and forth we sway Like branches in a storm Change of weather Still together when it ends That may be all I need In darkness she is all I see Come and rest your bones with me Driving slow on Sunday morning  
And I never want to leave But things just get so crazy Living life gets hard to do  
Sunday morning rain is falling And I'm calling out to you Singing someday it will bring me back to you Find a way to bring myself back home to you. You may not know That may be all I need In darkness she is all I see Come and rest your bones with me Driving slow on Sunday morning Driving slow, yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah  
Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah There's a flower in your hair  
I'm a flower in your hair Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah  
Whoa, yeah" Ogle sang with a big finish and the crowd applauding.

"I love you Count Ogle!" Justice Strut tackled him.

"Whoa, Lucas get crazy here off of me!" Count Ogle demanded.

"Oh so now you need me? Fine I'll help you but only if you agree to go to karaoke with me." Lucas pouted.

"Deal."

Lucas lifted Justice Strut off of his leader.

"My god she's like a leech." Klaud shuddered.

"Why do you have to talk properly it'd be easier if you only talked in MSN." Vanessa shook hr head.

"Pan." Sammy ignored Vanessa and pointed to Mr. Pan who had returned from his long coughing fit.

"So has Count Ogle learned his lesson yet?" Mr. Pan asked wiping flem from his mouth.

"Mr. Pan you do realise that after all of the horrific things Ogle has done that he still needs to go to jail?" Klaud was concerned.

"Oh well I guess so, but I hate having to call the police they usually make fun of my weight." Mr. Pan whined but did as he was told.

"Well I better get going then kiddies before fatso over there manages to get the police here." Ogle ran off stage and out the exit door.

"Aww come on Ogle can't you wait one more day to be on the run so we can go to karaoke!" Lucas complained running after him.

The rest of his pimping crew followed after.

"Alright children I called the police and they should be here soon." Mr. Pan was out of breath and it appeared he had been running himself.

"Mr. Pan why are you panting?" Vanessa asked.

"Dopagn" Sammy laughed. She meant something like, "Mr. Pan is like a dog quick get him a bowl of water."

"The phone was very far away it took me two minutes to get there I was even jogging." He explained.

"That's an exaggeration." Klaud rolled his eyes.

"Hey guys, should I have said something when I saw Count Ogle and his friends escaping?" Vanessa questioned.

"What they got away? Oh well kids I suppose that we'll just have to try better next time." Mr. Pan sighed.

"OMG, you really suck!" Vanessa slapped him across his face.

"What do you mean by _we_ it's your fault fatty?!" Klaud also slapped him.

"Yufoljk." Sammy smacked him the hardest. She meant something along the lines, "You foolish fool!"

"Hey, that really hurt! But look I can make it up to all of you, I'll let you live with Justice Strut because I know how much you love her even though you're not really allowed to." Mr. Pan offered.

"I don't want those brats! One of them was going to marry my true love, but I need to find someone else maybe someone who won't run away from me." Strut declined.

"Hell if I care she is screwed up." Klaud shrugged.

"Purple." Vanessa added.

"Ranplugh." Sammy said. She meant something like, "Now you're just being random."

"Well I guess that just means you children are going to have to get back into my cramped car and I'll take you to your next home." Mr. Pan ushered the kids out into the cold night air.

They got into his decrepit car with their few things in the trunk ready to take on whatever pathetic thing life would throw at them.

Well loyal readers I hope you all enjoyed this and look forward to my next parody of the second book! Bahaaaaa now I'm going to be richer if I write another one!


End file.
